So It's been 2 months since my last post... Whatever, shit happens, nobody's perfect....
Here's a quick glance at what has happened since then, I finished that insane diet right before my trip to California with my mom and sister, lost a total of 12 lbs and gained 5 back soon after! Then I started working out and finally got back down to the weight I had lost in the first place, I've been steadily keeping myself somewhat healthy while also going out more and spending time with some friends and not so much with others; I've got my reasons, need to figure some shit out.
While I've been trying to figure shit out, I've realized I'm a total dumbass when it comes to understanding my own relationships with people (romantically as well as platonic)
Anyone can vouch for me, I'm awesome when it comes to giving others advice but horrible when it comes to the shit I've got going on.
I started to obsess with my relationships with others (especially in the romance section) when I was talking to a friend about how different it is when you're friends with someone and when you're dating them, and I've found myself saying this more than once, "oh yeah he/she's a great friend, horrible to date tho.!" I've seen it happen plenty of times, I have amazing friends but i couldn't help but notice how much they change when they're in a relationship. WHYYYYY??? Why must you change once the label is there?? Why do you have to turn into the person that everyone dislikes? let it be the distant one, a jerk, a cheater? And to make things worst I'm guilty as charged. I've done each and every one of those things at least once. I hate being that person so why don't I change? I think it has to do with a combination of fearing those things being done to me and idiocy. Mind you, in my defense, I've only cheated once and will never do it again. (It's stupid and a waste of time.) But I feel that because I'm afraid I'll do that to someone or have it done to me, I'm not allowing myself to move on and give myself the opportunity to change and be happy. So I'm stuck. I'm stuck with a crush that may or may not be figured out and everyone telling me to go for it because it's better to say "what's next?" rather than "what if?"
But, what do I do when I've been allowing myself to let the fear take over this entire time? How long until I can allow myself the freedom to get out there and "test the waters" what if it's too late by then? Being heartbroken and vulnerable doesn't sound that amazing to me. So how do I ignore the little voice in my head and break the cycle?
