So It's been 2 months since my last post... Whatever, shit happens, nobody's perfect....
Here's a quick glance at what has happened since then, I finished that insane diet right before my trip to California with my mom and sister, lost a total of 12 lbs and gained 5 back soon after! Then I started working out and finally got back down to the weight I had lost in the first place, I've been steadily keeping myself somewhat healthy while also going out more and spending time with some friends and not so much with others; I've got my reasons, need to figure some shit out.
While I've been trying to figure shit out, I've realized I'm a total dumbass when it comes to understanding my own relationships with people (romantically as well as platonic)
Anyone can vouch for me, I'm awesome when it comes to giving others advice but horrible when it comes to the shit I've got going on.
I started to obsess with my relationships with others (especially in the romance section) when I was talking to a friend about how different it is when you're friends with someone and when you're dating them, and I've found myself saying this more than once, "oh yeah he/she's a great friend, horrible to date tho.!" I've seen it happen plenty of times, I have amazing friends but i couldn't help but notice how much they change when they're in a relationship. WHYYYYY??? Why must you change once the label is there?? Why do you have to turn into the person that everyone dislikes? let it be the distant one, a jerk, a cheater? And to make things worst I'm guilty as charged. I've done each and every one of those things at least once. I hate being that person so why don't I change? I think it has to do with a combination of fearing those things being done to me and idiocy. Mind you, in my defense, I've only cheated once and will never do it again. (It's stupid and a waste of time.) But I feel that because I'm afraid I'll do that to someone or have it done to me, I'm not allowing myself to move on and give myself the opportunity to change and be happy. So I'm stuck. I'm stuck with a crush that may or may not be figured out and everyone telling me to go for it because it's better to say "what's next?" rather than "what if?"
But, what do I do when I've been allowing myself to let the fear take over this entire time? How long until I can allow myself the freedom to get out there and "test the waters" what if it's too late by then? Being heartbroken and vulnerable doesn't sound that amazing to me. So how do I ignore the little voice in my head and break the cycle?
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
A real change or just a fluke?
Every year around this time I get in a slump where I don't know what to do with my life. I begin to hate my life, I hate my body, I hate everything! Aaaaand then depressed me comes in. This is the moment where I start adding some extra lbs, I stop caring about everything and just go to work, come home, eat, veg out, read, eat, and go to sleep (not in that particular order but all in all it's a monotonous evil routine). After that comes spring, then summer, then the lovely thanksgiving and christmas and somewhere in between I completely push all of my worries to the back of my mind only to be remembered the following year. Always around the same time, not "New Years resolution" time but afterwards. When everyone has forgotten about their new resolution to, "Lose weight!" or "Spend money the right way". This is when it all kicks in, I like to call it, "late winter depression."
Well, this year is different! (so I say)...... Sitting around b****ing about how nothing ever changes in my life and how unsatisfied I am with everything isn't going to help me at all. So I've decided to finally do something about it! I want a NEW ME, a healthier, happier, more productive me! So I began to brainstorm on how to make all of these changes, I started by making plans for the near future! instead of me always dreaming of someday going on an awesome trip to Japan I set it up and got the vacation approved, then I went into how to lose all of these extra lbs I've gained. EASY! I started a new HCG diet my coworker recommended; he gave me some info on a health center he's been going to which is where he was introduced to the HCG diet, I made an appointment, got the HCG and food info and dived right into it..... Not knowing what I was getting myself into. :(
At first I thought, "meh, whatever, maybe I'll get skinny" ....... it was TORTURE for me!! Having to give up bread, sugary deliciousness and any kind of food that is cooked in oil... I thought I was going to die! Being raised in a Hispanic home my entire life it is very difficult to give up on these things, especially having a baker for a mom.
Now don't get me wrong I LOVE her cooking, she is a cooking queen! However, with me trying to start fresh with a "new me" I guess you can see the issues I've been running into.
Day 1 and 2 were a breeze.. getting to eat anything I wanted, the sky was the limit! then day 3 comes in and the torture begins, 500 calories of nothing but healthy food and nothing but pastries and fried food around.... Not gona lie, my little spinach, tomato, and chicken salad looked like crap that day compared to everything around! Day 4 and 5 went by and I wanted to kill myself for committing myself to such a diet and then came day 6. Everything was fine, I had my tea in the morning, my midday apple/snack, cabbage soup and my lovely 3.5 oz of grilled chicken for lunch, (3.5 oz raw! when it's cooked it goes down to about 2 oz) and I felt fine! I didn't realize it until my coworker mentioned that I seemed a lot more energetic and happy than usual, like a more "chipper" Steph.
Then I remembered some random article I read a long time ago that said something about how sometimes unhealthy food/fast food could be the cause of depression for some people, which got me thinking, maybe that was my problem? All the processed food as delicious as it can be could have been what was causing this emotional roller coaster I was/am always in. Needless to say, this small revelation made me want to push forward! I am now 7 days into my diet and I am actually feeling a little good about myself, taking better care of myself inside and out!!!
Lets just hope I keep it that way...
Well, this year is different! (so I say)...... Sitting around b****ing about how nothing ever changes in my life and how unsatisfied I am with everything isn't going to help me at all. So I've decided to finally do something about it! I want a NEW ME, a healthier, happier, more productive me! So I began to brainstorm on how to make all of these changes, I started by making plans for the near future! instead of me always dreaming of someday going on an awesome trip to Japan I set it up and got the vacation approved, then I went into how to lose all of these extra lbs I've gained. EASY! I started a new HCG diet my coworker recommended; he gave me some info on a health center he's been going to which is where he was introduced to the HCG diet, I made an appointment, got the HCG and food info and dived right into it..... Not knowing what I was getting myself into. :(
At first I thought, "meh, whatever, maybe I'll get skinny" ....... it was TORTURE for me!! Having to give up bread, sugary deliciousness and any kind of food that is cooked in oil... I thought I was going to die! Being raised in a Hispanic home my entire life it is very difficult to give up on these things, especially having a baker for a mom.
Now don't get me wrong I LOVE her cooking, she is a cooking queen! However, with me trying to start fresh with a "new me" I guess you can see the issues I've been running into.
Day 1 and 2 were a breeze.. getting to eat anything I wanted, the sky was the limit! then day 3 comes in and the torture begins, 500 calories of nothing but healthy food and nothing but pastries and fried food around.... Not gona lie, my little spinach, tomato, and chicken salad looked like crap that day compared to everything around! Day 4 and 5 went by and I wanted to kill myself for committing myself to such a diet and then came day 6. Everything was fine, I had my tea in the morning, my midday apple/snack, cabbage soup and my lovely 3.5 oz of grilled chicken for lunch, (3.5 oz raw! when it's cooked it goes down to about 2 oz) and I felt fine! I didn't realize it until my coworker mentioned that I seemed a lot more energetic and happy than usual, like a more "chipper" Steph.
Then I remembered some random article I read a long time ago that said something about how sometimes unhealthy food/fast food could be the cause of depression for some people, which got me thinking, maybe that was my problem? All the processed food as delicious as it can be could have been what was causing this emotional roller coaster I was/am always in. Needless to say, this small revelation made me want to push forward! I am now 7 days into my diet and I am actually feeling a little good about myself, taking better care of myself inside and out!!!
Lets just hope I keep it that way...
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